Relinquishing Control and Letting Go

The knowledge that your entire future lies in the hands of someone that doesn't know you is terrifying. After years of hard slog, putting every ounce of your being into a better life for yourself, into something that has caused you months of sleepless nights and years of panic, knowing that there is nothing more you can do is unsettling.

 I consider myself to be a very cynical person, yet I have a hard time accepting that things in life wont always go my way. I guess it's a control issue, I like to be in complete control of every aspect of my life at all times and when I feel that control slipping I am rendered positively catatonic. I panic, constantly, and nothing can calm me down. It gets to the point where every teeny part of my body is stressing over the fact that I don't have full control.

This morning I sent of my university application. After putting so much of myself into my school work over the last 5 years, and spending months making innumerable redrafts of my Personal Statement, my labor of love has finally been sent off. And with that bring a whole new world of worry.

Approximately 10 seconds after I received the email to say that my application had been processed and sent to my University of choice, it suddenly kicked in that this isn't like buying something online, or a first come first serve basis: these people at the other end of the line actually have to like me, think that I can offer them something. These people have to believe in me simply from a 4,000 character essay and and a couple of letters that indicate my ability to learn. It's very difficult to comprehend that they will have to believe in me without meeting me when I don't even believe in myself. 

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I will do if I don't get into University. I have been setting my hopes on getting in since I was about 8 and understood what University was. And in January when I had that aha moment where I realised exactly what I wanted to study, I never thought that at this stage in the game I would feel so completely powerless and weak. I only expected to feel excitement over the possibility of studying in Glasgow for 4 years, and the relief of finally getting my application sent off.

This is just something that I'm going to have to accept in life. I'm not always going to have control over every situation. I'm not always going to feel strong. I'm not always going to know what lies ahead of me. That's just another life lesson to learn.