Creating Yourself

It's nearing the end of the year again, a time where everyone seems to get nostalgic, tries to pick out parts of their lives that they wish to improve in the coming year. I have never been one for making new years resolutions so this year I am going to make a list of things I hope to achieve next year as opposed to things I wish to change about my outlook on life, but more on that to come later this week. Instead of picking out the negatives that the year has brought along I like to pick out all the best bits of the year and celebrate my achievements as however small they may seem to others, they can be the most amazing thing in to world to you personally. So this is going to get personal and its going to be a long one so feel free to ignore this or sit tight and listen to me spill my thoughts out to you all. 

This year has been a pretty big one for me and most of the things of the greatest significance have been brought about by tiny seemingly insignificant things. I personally don't believe in fate or destiny or whatever you like to call it, and I was brought up in a very scientifically minded family so I've never been very religious. I don't believe that there is a certain one path that we are intended to follow, but I do believe our lives are like jigsaws, sometimes we have pieces that slot in perfectly and fill up a gap, sometimes pieces don't fit - maybe they used to and we begin to notice that we were forcing them into place - and sometimes we expand on the puzzle, not filling a gap but making the whole picture better. And sometimes a simple situation can push another jigsaw piece closer to being slotted into place, but we get to chose whether it is pushed in or not. I am rambling now so I shall just get to it.

In January last year, after months of headaches and straining eyes, I made an appointment to get my eyes tested. I went in expecting to be given a prescription and choose some glasses when in actual fact I was given a jigsaw piece that with a lot of hard work might some day slot perfectly into my puzzle. The optometrist (who is now one of my bosses as a result) was fabulous and opened my eyes the the world of optometry, a career that I had never even considered.

 I had never felt completely sure about what I wanted to do with my life other than the fact that I wanted to go to University, I had wanted to be everything from a teacher to a neuroscience, but at some point during the research I did into Optometry as a result of the conversation something clicked. It not only fitted my love for science but it would make me grow as a person and I would also be constantly learning new things. it seemed perfect. It still does. So I got a job in the opticians as an optical assistant and now work in the same setting that I want to after uni. So as a result of trying to get my headaches sorted, which I was told were a result of excessive studying none the less, I discovered what I want to do with my life. God this really does sound like my personal statement.

Getting that job there also helped me to discover who I am as a person so to speak. For the past 4 or 5 years I had kind of lost who I was. In those years I have gone through a lot, something I might touch upon in a future blog post - who knows - but for now I'm just going to leave it at that. I retreated into myself, allowed these problems I was facing to consume me, to define me. I essentially became a hermit and spent all my time alone with my nose stuck in a book, something that I am still trying to  find balance with so bear with me, trying to avoid daily life and facing my problems. 

It sounds stupid but I began to almost loose my social skills, the longer I spent alone the worse I got to be around others. I became terrified of being around others, something that still remains a problem and I have accepted I will always have to deal with, anything that involved being around people that I did not know or trust was just unthinkable. 

Getting that job forced me to face my fears head on. I had to speak to strangers, phone strangers, put myself out there in ways that I never thought possible. Each new thing that I learned at first scared the living daylights out of me but I did them. I did them all and I managed. Working there has made me realise just how strong I am and how much I have been holding back. 

I don't feel like a whole new person, I feel like me again and that is spectacular. It feels like this strength, this self assurance, has been hidden from me for years and now that I have uncovered it and dusted it off I feel invincible. Once you discover how strong you truly are, nothing can hold you back.

I went into this year with the knowledge that one of my closest friends would unfortunately be moving away at some point before we began our final year at high school. The news really knocked me, I was really worried about growing distant from her as I find it pretty tricky to trust people and she is one of two people in my life that I can tell absolutely anything to. Turns out I had no reason to be worried, if anything we have grown closer. Maybe we don't see each other every day at school now, and maybe we don't get to speak as often as I'd like but that doesn't mean that I can't contact her whenever I need to. Just because she has other friends now that doesn't mean that she wont be there for me if I need her, and vise versa. It is, in some ridiculous way, quite nice having a close friend that doesn't live near you as you don't take time with them for granted. I've become one of those people that I admire the most, I focus on the future and tell everyone else to kiss my ass. You may think that sounds selfish but I have learned that sometimes you need to put yourself first and right now is one of those times.

Her moving away has been a really big learning curve for me. Don't get me wrong, it is really difficult and took the better part of two months to get my head around, but I have learned a lot about friendship as a result. I've learned that you don't have to see someone everyday to be close with them. I've learned that you don't have to be in constant contact with someone to remain good friends. I've learnt that when you find someone who is truly meant to be in your life, no amount of distance can force you apart. 

I feel like I've learned how adult friendships really work, as silly as that sounds. It's not all about telling each other every silly little thing that happens and texting every night to see how the other persons day has been, but knowing that despite having totally separate things going on in your lives, that person will be there for you and you them whenever you need each other. And now I'm getting emotional, dear lord. 

What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I've grown a lot in the past year, grown up and grown better as a person. And I haven't lost the part of me that took over the past few years and that's ok because it sits in the corner most of the time reminding me of how far I have come and to keep pushing forward. Some days that part takes over, and that's ok too because I know how to shove it aside now. 

Back when this all first started I had this stupid unrealistic dream that some guy would come along and stand by my side and help me through all this while being there for me, someone to love me that I could rely on (I blame this on the crazy idea that society pushes upon us that we need a man to be complete, and all I wanted was to not be falling apart anymore). But now I look back proudly and think about the fact that with a little push in the right direction from an unexpected source I managed to take control of my life without the help of anyone else. Who I am today wasn't just sitting out there waiting for me, I didn't just pick it up like 'ah yes this is me,' I worked hard and chose who I am today. I haven't 'found myself,' I have created myself.