If there's one thing I have learned in my life its that sometimes it's just best to walk away. You can't make people be who you want them to be, and when you come to the realisation that the people you have surrounded yourself with your entire life are not the people you have built them up to be in your mind and don't act in the way that your subconscious forces you to believe, it's best to walk away. All my life, since I was a little girl, if someone was doing something that I didn't want to do I would simply walk away and leave it behind me. Now I'm just ready to do that on a larger scale.
I'm ready to move on and be someone different. In the past year I have changed on so many levels in a way that never fails to scare the everloving crap out of me, but it is this change that has led me to love who I am. I have changed for the better and I have accepted who I am but I feel that now what I need is the room to flourish and to be this person, no longer shoved into the little box that has been built up around me the depicts who I used to be.
I need to smash this box down, rip out of it, and that's not something I can do here. I need to cut myself loose and move away from here to some where bigger and less stifling. To somewhere I can thrive. The idea of being stuck in the place my entire life is one that I do not want to live out.
I'm tired of being someone afraid to take risks because there is a chance that it might be a mistake. I want to make mistakes. I want to go out there and do stupid crap because maybe all the things that I've been afraid to do my whole life wont be mistakes and if they turn out to be the wrong chocies then ok, I will just learn from them. I tired of being someone who's biggest concern is making other people happy. I want to be a little selfish sometimes. I want to do what makes me happy and say f*$# it to the rest occasionally because I deserve to be happy. I want to get tattoos because I love them, I want to be able to do things because I want to and not stop myself from doing them as a result of other peoples opinions.
And deep down I know its ridiculous. I know that moving away wont solve all my problems. I know that all I'll be doing is effectively running away from them, but in this running away I will ensure that these problems are no longer mine. I long for the day when the biggest problems and drama I have in my life are about stupid inconsequential crap that everyone worries about like boy drama and short lived spats in the workplace.
When I move out in September I want everything that I take with me, bar the obvious things like clothes and makeup ect, to be new. New bedding and ornaments and pillows and crockery. I know it's stupid, to expect that surrounding myself with new things will allow me to be a new person but sometimes that's all you need to feel a little different. Changed. Better.
I'm simply done with a place that holds all these memories of a time that I would like to move on from, no not forget as that would be stupid as then I wouldn't be able to learn from the mistakes made, but to move on. I want to live the life I have always imagined for myself and I can't do that here with the constant fear that I will regress into the person that I used to be.
I want to take this opportunity in both hands, grasp it tight and make the most of it. I sometimes say that I want a chapter break, a time for life to pause, to allow me to take count of everything going on in my life when things get too much. Right now however, I'm done with chapter breaks. I feel like the past few months of my life have been like those bridge chapters in books, the filler ones that simply build up to the big thing. I don't want this new chapter to be a filler chapter. I want it to be an adventure.
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