The one where the reality of moving out hits and I freak out

Yesterday I got my first University offer back, an Unconditional for Optical Dispensing in Glasgow. Not my top choice of course by I'm still waiting to hear back about that, but my plan c has now been confirmed. Essentially, whatever happens from here on out I will be living in Glasgow come September this year. I was ecstatic, about moving out, away, and on with my life. About the independence that I have craved for years finally being close enough I could almost taste it.

Ever since I can remember, University has been the only option for me. It was never a conscious decision, just one day when I was little it was there. I was going to Uni. While most my age were deciding whether or not they saw university in their future the only thing I had to consider was what I wanted to study when I got there. Not getting in simply wasn't an option, I didn't even consider it until after I had sent away my application and realised that this wasn't some kind of online shopping situation where I state why I want to have a degree, pay £23 and then they give me 5 choices of which ones I want to work for. They had to like me based on a page of less than 4,000 characters in which I had slaved over for months to make myself seem like a person they should want on their course. They had to believe in me.

Before I went to bed last night, when I finally has time to let it sink in, I realised the severity of the moment that had occured in my life. I am moving out in less than 8 months. I am leaving all that I know, not just stepping out of my secure and cozy little comfort zone that I have built for myself for the past 17 years, but totally smashing down the walls so that they can never be rebuilt in the same way. I am leaving my home, my family and my friends. And I know that all of these things will be here when I come back for weekends and summer breaks but things will be different.

 It will no longer be my home. My little brother won't tell me everything he did in school each day when he get's home, or about that funny thing that happened in maths class, or bore me to death talking about his football team. My friends will make new friends who didn't move 4 hours away from them. Everyone will move on with their lives and I will no longer be such a large part of theirs anymore.

My room will become un-entered for weeks at a time or used as a dumping ground for items with no specific place within the house. I will be the daughter who's at Uni and lives far away and that is only seen on specific occasions. To my once close cousins I will no longer be big cousin Isla they see on Sundays and that stays over during the holidays, I will be that cousin they have that lives in Glasgow learning to test eyes. I will become the sister who doesn't know that funny thing that happened in Maths class last month. I will become the once close friend who moved away and doesn't have as much time to keep in touch as she hopes and let all her best friends slip away without even realising. I don't know how to be that person.

I don't know how to be a person who has to buy towels and cutlery and surface wipes. I don't know how to be a person who irons and cooks and worries about bills. I don't know how to be a person who does her own food shop and carries it home on the bus. I don't know how to be a person with responsibilities. I don't know how to be an adult.

I know that everyone there will be in the same boat and it won't be all washing dishes and buying toilet roll, but the boring things surely outweigh the pizza for breakfast and tequila Tuesdays won't they? I hope not. 

Top Five Feel Good Films

Everyone has those days where you are feeling a little under the weather, overwhelmed by everything going on in your life or you just simply need some quite time to yourself. Personally, when I feel like this sometimes all that it takes to solve it is some pizza, blankets and a movie. Over the past few months I have come to realise that it is generally the same movies that I pick during a time like this so I decided to make a list of my top feel good movies.

Bridget Jones Diary

Pretty much self explanatory really isn't it? Everyone loves Bridget Jones for her awkward and flawed personality that all girls can relate to. Whenever I need to giggle at someone's slip ups and silly mistakes I like to pop on a bit of Bridget Jones and whip up some cookies to enjoy all snuggled up with a blanket and some lit candles. 

10 Things I Hate About You

Heath Ledger, old school romance and a girl who doesn't fall for the bad boys crap. This is my go to movie when I'm feeling angry at the world. It instantly betters my mood while making me realise that I'm not the only person who is sick of peoples s*$# sometimes.

Enchanted

Disney, princesses, singing and Patrick Dempsey. Seriously do I really need to explain this one more? 

The Wedding Date

This movie is just so cute, and I can't really explain why I like it so much but I just do. It's predictable and cheesy but sometimes you just need a good old dose of cheesy romance to make things seem ok.

Iron Man 3

And if those film's really aren't your thing then you really can't beat a bit of Marvel can you? I particularly love the third installment of the Iron Man movies as here we see Stark for being human and that being a hero has a price. I really do admire the way his anxiety attacks are portrayed in this movie and live to put it on if I'm having a particularly bad day with my anxiety as it just reaffirms that even the strongest of heroes can be affected with such things.

T5W: Anti-heroes

So its been a few weeks since I posed a T5W as life got a teeny bit crazy this month but thankfully things have calmed down again and my schedule should be back to normal. Top 5 Wednesday is hosted by GingerReadsLainey over on youtube, and each week we pick our top 5 favorite books that fall under a certain topic. This weeks topic is our top 5 anti-heroes in literature. Anti-heroes are my personal favorite type of character as they feel the most real to me: I like my characters dark and twisty. Flawed characters are so much more relatable than shiny happy perfect ones and all of my favorite books have characters that despite their character faults, do the right thing and save the day in the end. So here are my top 5 anti-heroes and as usual they are in no particular order. 

Severus Snape - Harry Potter Books by J. K. Rowling

Lets be honest here, everyone is going to have Snape on their list. Snape has always been character that I have loved since finishing the Harry Potter series, in the beginning I didn't like him mainly down to the simple fact that I didn't understand the motives behind his actions but when you finish the series the pieces all fit together and you can't help but love him.

Hamlet - Hamlet by William Shakespeare

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, the protagonist, Hamlet, is depicted as an antihero. One main factor which gives Hamlet such a label is that he draws sympathy, as well as admiration, from the reader as a result of the pain he feels from losing his father along with the burden of the obstacles in avenging his murder.

Jay Gatsby - The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald

Another obvious one here. Yes, he was a liar and a crook and a pretender and, eventually, an accomplice to manslaughter, but he did all of those thinks because of love. There was a time when that seemed kind of noble to me. Yes, now it seems pathetic but it's still impossible to hate him because of how goddamned hard he tries. Sure, he does terrible things and ultimately dies as a result but in the meantime he was striving in an earnest way that makes me uncomfortable to think about.

Javert - Les Miserables by Victor Hugo 

Javert is the ultimate agent of The Law, the true villain of Les Mis, propelled by his own dark past into becoming an uncompromising man. Born to criminals in a prison he feels that it is a man's nature to either break or uphold the law. He is such a believable character because we all know people who adhere to rigis beliefs, and we can see how these beliefs can become twisted in the face of reality, turning an otherwise admirable person into a fearsome foe.

Elphaba - Wicked by Gregory Maguire

Elphaba is the villain as she is the wicked witch of the west but when you read the book you can see how she can actually be considered a hero in her own right. 

The Art of Avoidance

Ah yes, procrastination my close friend. I have a teeny tiny habit of avoiding responsibilities in favour of doing silly little tasks like re-orginising my bookshelves or emptying out my chest of drawers and ensuring that everything is placed back in a highly practical manor. But at least those methods of procrastination are slightly usefully as while I may not get my essay finished up early, I will on the other hand have a perfectly alphabetized DVD rack. I'm not talking about those kinds of procrastination here, I'm talking about the stupid, useless kind in which you watch 10 seasons of a tv show in a month. Yeah, that's not an exaggeration. I procrastinate to the extreme.

I have had bad experienced with stress in the past, it exacerbates other problems that I have going on in my life so obviously I try to avoid getting stressed at all costs. However being in High School and studying two Advanced Highers and a Higher doesn't really allow for a low stress mock exam diet. 

It's like I have a limit now, an intangible stress limit, that every time I creep even the slightest bit over that line my body just seizes up into a whole load of 'nope.' It's like every cell in my being is screaming at me to stop, to get away from the stress stimulus. 

Psychologically, its a simple premise. Put simply, when the body gets stressed it initiates a 'fight or flight' response in our bodies. Our heart rates increase along with our blood pressure, in order to deliver more oxygen to our muscles so we are prepared to either perceived threat to our survival. The fight or flight response is hardwired into our brains and the only way to successfully tackle it is to do physical activity in order to trick your brain into thinking that you have defeated the threat so that our body can return to a state of calm. That's why we're told to exercise if we are stressed. There are some really good articles about this online if you are interested in checking them out.

As I mentioned, I don't even let my body get to this stage of fight or flight anymore, if I begin to get stressed its just like a giant 'nope' and I turn in the opposite direction and avoid it, which let me tell you, is entirely counterproductive when you are trying to study. But alas, this study leave Grey's Anatomy was my poison of choice and I watched a fair bit of it in order to take my mind of school work.

I did manage to manage my time though, it's all about finding balance and it just takes time. I try to power through the stress as much as possible and get as much word done as I have learned that as soon as I hit that wall, that limit then its just best to close the books and take a while off to reorganise my thoughts and get a little perspective. 

Quick Update - January 2015

So, it has been a while since I last posted hasn't it? Since the Christmas holidays I have been caught in a vortex of responsibilities and have been unable to find some time to keep this blog updated. The last almost three weeks have been a steep learning curve and have consisted mainly of me trying to find a way to juggle everything going on in my life right now: work, school, studying, actually attempting to have a life and spend time with friends, and recreational things such as reading and blogging. 

The first week back at school I completely underestimated the sheer volume of work that still had to be completed before the mock exams, I had coursework to finish, tests to take and homework to hand in, not to mention I was working whole weekends so had very little spare time. I also had my open university coursework to fit in. 

The past two weeks have been crazy, I've been on study leave for mock exams which I always find worse than final exams so my stress levels have been at a constant high. When I get stressed I tend to completely avoid the thing that's causing the stressful feelings and procrastinate. Hard. I am the procrastination queen when it comes to study leave and my new-found love of Grey's Anatomy as seriously been fueling that fire. Seriously, in the last month I've watched 10 seasons, bet you thought I was joking about that procrastination queen crap. I haven't even been able to sit down and read properly at all this month so I have only finished one book which is pretty bad. 

I have to say it has paid off though, all the hard work that I put in. Today I got my results back and I'm very pleased to say that I got an A at Higher and a BC in the Advanced Highers that I'm taking. That for me, at this stage in the year, is pretty darn great. So thank's for sticking with this blog and I should be back to my usual schedule this week although as usual I make no promises as we all know how that usually works out.

T5W: Most anticipated 2015 releases

It's Wednesday again so we all know what that means, it's top 5 wednesday time. Top 5 Wednesday is an event for booktubers and bookbloggers hosted by GingerReadsLainey over on youtube where each wednesday posts and videos are put up in which we recommend our top 5 books in a certain category.  If you are interested in checking out more posts on this topic check out the complete list of wednesdayers. This weeks topic is my top 5 anticipated reads of the year. This topic was a little tricky as unless a new book in a series that I am currently reading is coming out or a favorite author has written a new novel I tend not to keep too up to date with new releases. I have however pre-ordered quite a few books that are coming out this year already so I shall let you know the ones I am most looking forward to getting my hands on.

My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga (12th February 2015)

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about reading this book. It is not very often that I actually pre-order I book, I generally wait until it comes out before buying it but this book I just had to have delivered as quick as possible after the release date. The book is centered around a high school student with many problems going on in her life that she is struggling to deal with like her mother not being able to look at her without wincing and being bullied for being a physics nerd in school. She's also suicidal. It is a book that tackles teenage depression and not just from an adults point of view but from a teenager actually living through it and I am very interested to see just how far this book goes. I have heard great things about this book and you all know how much I love a book that goes against the stigma of mental health problems. 

Under My Skin by James Dawson (5th March 2015)

Again another book I am intrigued by. I am a sucker for tattoos, absolutely blooming love them, and I cannot wait to get a few myself and a book centered around a girl who goes against her conservative parents to get a tattoo that leaves her hearing voices in her head? Yeah this is something I am going to need to read. 

All I Know Now by Carrie Hope Fletcher (23rd April 2015)

I have been following Carrie's blog for a while now and her messages are so beautifully poignant that I am so excited to have a little book full of reassurances and lessons from somebody who has lived through this stage in her life and come out of it the other side none the worse.

Dream A Little Dream by Giovanna Fletcher (18th June 2014)

Giovanna's writing is so lovely and there is no better summer read than a book by Fletcher. Her previous two books have been so touching and inspiring, the characters so strong and realistic, that I cant wait to get my hands on this new one.

Beautiful Redemption by Jamie Mcguire (27th January 2015)

You all know how I love my Jamie Mcguire books and the love story of another Maddox brother? There's no way that I'm not going to be reading that book.

Honorable Mentions

There are a few books that come out this year that I don't know much about get so didn't want to add to this list but still would love to get my hands on so I will leave a list below so you can go check the, out for yourself:

None Of The Above by I. W. Gregorio

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

Made You Up by Francesca Zappia

The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak by Brian Katcher

Not After Everything by Michelle Levy

Hold Me Like A Breath by Tiffany Schmidt 

December Book Haul

This month I did pretty well in curbing my book buying crazyness, and only purchased 14 books which for me is pretty darn good. I've been having a slight new adult binge at the moment so the majority of these are new adult in an attempt to find something that I like as much as Beautiful Disaster so if you have any suggestions for me then please leave them in the comments. As usual I purchased a lot of books from Amazon this month, mostly because I got a voucher for christmas, with a few being from Play.com and Asda. I was also sent a book that I won in a giveaway for review.

Amazon:

1. Losing It by Cora Cormak
2. Wait For You by J. Lynn
3. Vendetta by Catherine Doyle
4. Knight's Mistress by CC Gibbs
5. Fall From India Place by Samantha Young
6. Sempre by J. M. Darhower
7. Scarlet by Marissa Meyer
8. Beautiful Oblivion by Jamie Mcguire
9. How To Kill A Rockstar by Tiffanie DeBartolo

Play.com:

1. Lux: Beginnings by Jennifer L Armentrout
2. Reason To Breath by Rebecca Donovan
3. Barely Breathing by Rebecca Donovan

Asda:

1. Just One Day by Gayle Foreman
2. Percy Jackson and the Lightening Theif by Rick Riordan

I also was lucky enough to receive a beautiful signed copy of Cinema Lumière by Hattie Holden Edmonds from the author herself for review and I am really looking forward to getting stuck into that book.

December Wrap up and January tbr

It's the end of another month and with it brings a close to 2014. It's been a rollercoaster of a year and though I am eagerly anticipating the challenges and experiences that 2015 will bring I am somewhat upset that another year has been and gone.

This month has been pretty good in terms of reading, I have had some time off school for the holidays so have had a little more time to get through my ever-growing tbr pile along with read quite a few books for review.

So the first book I finished up this month was Frostbite by Richelle Mead, the second book in the Vampire Academy series that I am loving right now. The book picks up shortly after the end of the first novel and follows protagonist Rose Hathaway and her closest friend Lissa as attacks upon the Moroi ensue. A full review on the book can be found here.

I then continued on and read Shadowkiss by Richelle Mead, the third book in the series, and then the fourth book Blood Promise. Both of these books were also really good and I advise checking out the series if you haven't already. Click on the links for my full reviews.

I then went on to read Fatal Abduction by Julia Crane as I got an arc copy from the publishers to read for review. Fractured Abduction is a continuation of the life of Kaitlyn and her special abilities. The book follows Kaitlyn helping in a case about a serial killer. When Kaitlyn realizes that the serial killer is going after girls who look a lot like her, she just can't not help out. The ways that Julia has Kaitlyn using her special talents to help with this case is brilliant.

I read a couple more arc copies after this one, Rivulet by Jamie Mcgee which I adored and strongly advise you pick up as it was just brilliant, Rouges Wave by Jennifer Donnelly, Play of Light by Debora Doxer, Down From The Mountain by Elizabeth Fixmer, Sound of Sirens by Jen Minkman, Night School: Genesis by C J Daugherty,  A Firefighters Flame by Dani Heart, and finally Love Hurts which is a collection of short stories edited by Malorie Blackman., Phew, that's a lot of arcs. I really did enjoy most of these books and for individual reviews and ratings check out my goodreads page.

This month I also got around to reading Girl Online by Zoe Sugg, aka Zoella on youtube, and was pleasantly surprised by the book but it wont really be for everyone, just for those of you who are used to reading young adult romance. (full review)

I also got around to reading Losing It by Cora Cormack which although I did enjoy it didn't really do ti for me as it wasn't entirely what I was expecting from the book if I'm honest. I wanted a little more angst and sneaking around. 

I also tackled My True Love Gave To Me, a collection of short stories edited by Stephanie Perkins. I think I simply expeted too much from this book, I have problems with compilation books as I find them difficult to connect to due to the length of the stories so there were a few here that I had to skip but the Rainbow Rowell and Stephanie Perkins stories were really good.

Finally I picked up two Colleen Hoover books. I read Slammed and then Hopeless after hearing some pretty good things about Hoover's writing and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I posted a full review on these books which you can find here. 

Yeah so all in all I had a pretty good reading month in December, but don't expect this much reading every month as the only reason I managed this many books was because I had two weeks off from school. January is going to be a tricky month as I have mock exams in a weeks time that last for two weeks but as this year I only have 3 exams spread over 2 days I will have a bit of free time so I honestly have no idea how much I'm going to be reading. That added to the fact that I'm slightly obsessed with Grey's Anatomy at the moment I don't know how many books of my 30 book goal I'm going to get to. 

There are a few books that I hope to get to this month though:

1. Spirit Bound by Richelle Mead
2. Last Sacrafice by Richelle Mead
3. Vendetta by Catherine Doyle
4. Walking Disaster by Jamie Mcguire
5. Easy by Tamara Webber

There is a very high chance that I will in no way stick to that tbr though as we all know how that didn't work out last month.

Review: Slammed and Hopeless by Coleen Hoover

After seeing quite a bit of hype about Colleen Hoover from booktubers I obviously had to pick a few up and see what all the fuss was about for myself. I was not disappointed. Hoover's writing is so utterly captivating her stories consume your thoughts for the duration of the time you are reading one of her novels and still you are left reeling for days afterwards. I read the prologues for all of Colleen Hoover's books and these were the two I was most intrigued by so I bought them both and ended up reading them one after another as I couldn't get enough of the writing style.

Slammed - 4/5 stars

This was the first book of Hoover's that I picked up, slightly reluctantly I might add as I realised it was very poetry centered and had a student/teacher relationship in it which I have mixed feelings about. I went into this book believing that it would be nothing more than a slightly more gritty contemporary novel, but quickly got sucked into the deeper meaning of the book: that we all take life for granted. 

Following the unexpected death of her father, 18-year-old Layken is forced to be the rock for both her mother and younger brother. Outwardly, she appears resilient and tenacious, but inwardly, she's losing hope. Enter Will Cooper: The attractive, 21-year-old new neighbor with an intriguing passion for slam poetry and a unique sense of humor. Within days of their introduction, Will and Layken form an intense emotional connection, leaving Layken with a renewed sense of hope. Not long after an intense, heart-stopping first date, they are slammed to the core when a shocking revelation forces their new relationship to a sudden halt. Daily interactions become impossibly painful as they struggle to find a balance between the feelings that pull them together, and the secret that keeps them apart.

As I've said before my opinion on books like this depends solely on how they make me feel and how they make me reflect upon my own life. This book did both of those things perfectly. The characters were so refreshing what with both of them being strong and independent yet not afraid to rely on each other if they needed to. The intensity of their relationship is beautiful and the way the author deals with the topic of death is just flawless. 

My favorite character in this book was surprisingly not the protagonist or her love interest, it was her mother. The book is so full of wisdom and subtle (and obvious) life lessons that are so breathtaking they reside not only within your heart but within your soul. I have learned things from Lake's mother that I aim to carry forward in my own life. There was not a single message that was not backed up by a stunning example from the characters. 

Hopeless - 4.5/5 stars

Just...seriously, this book. THIS BOOK. I can't begin to explain to you how this book made me feel. I have been searching for a book that made me feel like I did when reading Beautiful Disaster and this book came so gosh darned close. I can explain what this book did to me by showing you the text I sent to my friend at approximately 2:21 am this morning:  
 'I am emotionally compromised. I have just finished the book and oh my ever loving f*%$ what even are my feelings anymore THAT WAS SO INTENSE AND DRAMATIC I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE.'
Yup, that's what my friends wake up to in the mornings, lucky them. It's ok she's learned to accept my crazy ways by this point. 

Sky Davis is starting sixth form having always been home-schooled, and wants to keep a low profile. But then she runs into Dean Holder - messy brown hair, smouldering blue eyes, and a temper straight out of Fight Club, someone who Sky is determined to avoid. There is something about Holder that sparks memories of Sky's troubled past, those which she would rather stay buried. Little does she know that the mysterious Dean Holder is harbouring secrets of his own... When the truth unravels, Sky must piece her life back together and learn to trust again. Only by facing the revelations together can the two of them begin to heal their emotional scars and find a way to live without boundaries.

This book exceeded my expectations in every way imaginable. Dean Holder was absolutely amazing. With just a touch of bad boy, lickable dimples, a crooked smile and a tattoo, this moody, mysterious and endearing hot guy with a temper just utterly stole my heart. Deeply protective and totally swoony but with a bad rep, he was so contradictory – warm, cold. Sweet, sharp. Just like Sky, I just NEEDED to know more about him. And the more I learned, the more the mystery deepened.I loved watching them get closer and closer. Their chemistry was undeniable and their dialogue and banter was rapid fire and brilliant and just set my heart a flutter. What they had was intense, passionate, and oh-so REAL. Every single thing they went though and did was believable and just made you wish you knew them in person.

I loved that the story was serious but little parts made me laugh out, breaking up the more emotionally charged scenes. I swooned, squeed, proclaimed my undying love for the book, and had to take breathers to wipe the tears that sprung up on me more than once. I felt so in sync with Sky’s emotions and journey. I felt like I went through all her emotions without ever once feeling disconnected. Through her eyes, I fell in love with Holder, I felt her pain and confusion, and I felt her healing. She was a wonderfully strong, brave heroine – the kind you want to look up to and make you feel proud of.

I loved that the story was emotionally charged but with absolutely no stupidity. All the characters’ reactions were understandable and just made me more and more sympathetic to them. This isn’t to say that there wasn’t angst and heart-clutching turmoil, because there was. The subject matter and themes are serious, gut wrenching and very mature. I had to say I did see the big reveal coming but still that didn't take away from the appeal of the book for me.